Spontaneous vs. Responsive Desire: Unlock Deeper Intimacy
Does it feel like permanent Mercury Retrograde in your love life?
Is the timing always off? You want to want it, but a nap sounds more orgasmic than anything. Or is it the flip side of that? Does your partner seem perfectly content to live in roommate mode?
Many (many!) of my clients come to me with these exact situations. In my sessions, It can be a journey to lovingly uncover what is really going on. It’s probably not what you’re thinking.
As a sex & intimacy coach with extensive expertise in couples therapy and Sacred Sexuality (neo-tantra), I’m here for the real talk about pleasure-focused sex and relationship support. Interested in private sessions so we can work closely on your unique case? Email me at info@christinasophiecoaching.com to see if we are a good fit.
What the Heck Is Spontaneous vs. Responsive Desire?
Understanding spontaneous vs. responsive desire may be the key you’re looking for to improve your sex life and reignite the spark in your relationship.
If This Scene Sounds Familiar…
You’re tired. It’s been a long day of work (meetings you didn’t want to attend) plus trying to keep the kitchen clean plus driving the kids around town. After finally getting them to sleep, you settle onto the couch with a glass of red wine and your book, the one you never get a chance to read because it’s just for pleasure. “Ah, finally, some me time,” you think to yourself.
But your Sweetie – moving gingerly towards you, fresh out of the shower – has something else in mind. You see that look… it’s amorous, hopeful, needy, and timid all at the same time, already psychically crouching in preparation for another rejection.
How do you say what is true at that moment? Honestly, you are just not feeling it tonight, again. You want to relax and unwind by yourself, not whip up some steamy sex out of nowhere (that won’t be that great for you anyway because you are nowhere near ready for it, and that energy that’s coming at you isn’t sexy anyway).
When you reflexively tense your whole body, you’re all too familiar with the flavor of disappointment that lingers in the air. It’s sticky. You can practically hear your partner wondering, “What’s wrong now? What’s wrong with me?”
… You May Be Navigating a Gap Between Spontaneous vs. Responsive Desire
It’s easy to misread this scene, assuming that one partner has more desire than the other. Not necessarily! Often, partners experience different types of desire, not different levels of desire. Desire and Arousal are NOT the same thing.
You may be the one who is always getting rejected: You can’t even give your lover a kiss or a playful ass grab without feeling that tension. Do they even like you anymore? How is it that you can be so successful in just about every other area of life but your beloved shrinks away from even just a hug? OUCH.
For one of you, having sex relaxes you, and puts you in an amazing mood.
For one of you, you need to be totally relaxed and in an amazing mood before you even consider the option of sex.
If you get excited at just the thought of sex, you are experiencing spontaneous desire; if you need to shift gears into sexy mode, and that takes time and touch and sensuality, you’re experiencing responsive desire.
Spontaneous desire starts in the mind. It’s when you think about how good it would be to get busy, and you start feeling your body respond. You see your Sweetie naked, and BAM, let’s do this! We are told that arousal works this way (and for some of us, it does!). But news flash: It’s not the only way.
Responsive desire, on the other hand, develops in the body first, in response to sensual pleasure. Your head may start out somewhere else entirely, but after some good kisses and velvet touches, maybe a couple of perfect sentences get whispered in your ear… “Baby, I just wanna touch you, nothing else has to happen, I just want to feel you relax, there’s no rush”… your body takes over. [1]
Cue Boyz II Men “I’ll Make Love To You.” That song taught a whole generation of us what’s possible in bed!
How Does Spontaneous vs. Responsive Desire Show Up in Long-Term Relationships?
One of the many useless and harmful stereotypes about men is that they are always “ready.” I’ve worked with so many men who wonder what’s wrong with them because they aren’t always hot and bothered. Then, when we work together, we find out they just need some sensuous warm up to get fully aroused.
All genders can feel SO much pressure to experience spontaneous desire. Due to unhelpful cultural narratives, and borderline criminal lack of pleasure focused sex education, many folks believe that if you don’t want to “do it” like when you were dating, there must be something wrong with you or your relationship. But the real issue is that nobody ever told you about the difference between desire and arousal.
Research tells us that spontaneous desire is not actually associated with great sex in long-term relationships. [2] So the sensual relationship you’ve been dreaming of is possible, and it doesn’t require the hormones of a teenager. It does require an active effort to understand our own body, our erotic mind, and that of our partner – and to cultivate an attitude of pressure-free experimentation.
Honestly, learning the skill of cultivating arousal in your partner and yourself requires practice and focused attention. Mismatched desire is painful, complex, and the roots can go deep into the history of your relationship. When frustration or misunderstanding comes up, over and over for decades, you might think of bailing even when the relationship is great in other ways, and there is so much to lose.
Because you know that sexual pleasure matters (and I know it matters to you if you’ve read this far): Is it time to call in an expert?
How to Navigate Spontaneous vs. Responsive Desire in Your Relationship
1. Get Some Education
When you and your partner have different types of desire, the implications for your relationship can be obvious. One (or both) of you might feel rejected, while the other might feel tense and guilty. Frustration, disconnection, resentment, and other unfortunate bedfellows may also creep into your dynamic.
Whatever you’re temporarily going through in your relationship, you are far from alone. According to a UK study, 52% of women are unhappy with their sex lives.
Dr. Karen Gurney, known as the Sex Doctor, attributes this fact to a misunderstanding about these two types of desire. Since male-bodied partners can be more likely to be the ones experiencing spontaneous desire, their female-bodied partners (in heterosexual relationships) can feel less ready for intimacy.relationships) can feel less ready for intimacy. [3]
(I highly recommend this fantastic interview on YouTube if you’d like to learn more about spontaneous vs. responsive desire from Dr. Gurney.)
Mismatched desire can present challenges in any relationship. But navigating it can also introduce you and your partner to novel, exciting, and super sexy ways of connecting.
2. Develop New Expectations & Fall in Love With Experimentation
What happens when we stop labeling our tendencies as “right” or “wrong” – and extend the same grace to our partners?
Lots of room for experimentation can naturally emerge when we let go of misinformed expectations about desire. You get to become erotic researchers, offering your authentic responses for the good of Sensual Science. It’s all about making the world (and definitely your bedroom) a better place.
You might like to experiment with some of these practices, which cultivate responsive arousal and expand your capacity for pleasure:
- “Warm Up”: For responsive people, jumping right into sex is too much too soon. If you know your pace is not as fast as your partner’s, take charge of slowing things down. You can say “Hon, I’m open to some kissing and touching, but we’ve got to start slow and I’m not sure how far this will go. If that works for you, I’d love a tickly back scratch.”
- Let go of pressure (the most important step!): Make sure you’re carving out time to connect without pressure to end in genital sex! Just enjoy your sensual time together and see where it goes. If you end up having mind-blowing sex, that’s okay. If you cuddle or make out, or just talk instead, that’s awesome.
- Deliberately switch modes: Ever tried to get it on right after putting the kids to bed or between work meetings? Though some partners who favor spontaneous desire may occasionally find these in-between moments exciting, those who are typically more responsive may not roll like that. What can you do to switch out of “parent” or “work” mode? It starts with your willingness to open to the possibility of sensual connection. Remember, no pressure, just possibility.
3. Embrace the Nature of Change
As I’m sure you’ve already experienced many times, aspects of our relational dynamics change over time. Life gets busy. Our commitments and priorities evolve. Our erotic relationships can go through seasons.
While you might be in the bitter cold of winter right now, it doesn’t (necessarily) mean that springtime will never come again. But unlike the seasons, this won’t just happen in our sex lives. Cultivating desire in long-term relationships takes intentional commitment, self-understanding, understanding your partner, patience, and excellent loving communication skills. Most of us need some support in one or all of these areas.
Understanding the two types of desire (which are not levels of desire, remember!) sets you up for erotic evolution, because you can now cultivate the relationship with your partner – and your inner connection to yourself – with new clarity.
The purpose of sessions is to expand your capacity for intimacy outside of the sessions. Intentional conversation and embodied activities will help you as you begin to apply what you’re learning to your relationships and all aspects of life.
Intimacy coaches will often assign you some projects between sessions–like homework–to keep you on track. Integrating the breakthroughs and knowledge you’ve gained during sessions into your daily life, day by day and month by month, will prompt the profound changes you seek.
4. Try Re-Listening to Some ‘80s R&B
I was reminded of the importance of understanding spontaneous vs. responsive desire recently at the funniest time: during a Boyz II Men concert at the Symphony.
I’m not a megafan – just love attending the San Francisco Symphony’s collaborations with R&B artists (and am working tirelessly to help people have a better love life). Everyone there gets dressed to the nines in their finest evening wear. But we’re not too classy to dance in the aisles and sing along at full volume.
At one point in the show, Boyz II Men played the opening three notes of the song, “I’ll Make Love To You.” Suddenly, a stampede of women wearing ball gowns bum rushed the symphony’s gold gilded stage, squealing in delight and reaching out towards the Boyz – who are, may I add, full-on grey-haired Men by now.
All through my teens this song was on the radio (remember radio?). But I never heard it the way I did that night. Boyz II Men really understood how to woo somebody whose desire is responsive, rather than spontaneous.
I mean, back in the day I thought these lyrics were cheesy AF. Now I’m like “oh hell yeah that sounds gooood…”
Close your eyes, make a wish
And blow out the candlelight
For tonight is just your night
We’re gonna celebrate
All through the night
Pour the wine, light the fire
Girl your wish is my command
I submit to your demands
I will do anything
Girl you need only ask
I’ll make love to you
Like you want me to
And I’ll hold you tight
Baby all through the night
I’ll make love to you
When you want me to
And I will not let go
‘Til you tell me to
Girl relax, let’s go slow
I ain’t got nowhere to go
I’m just gonna concentrate on you
Girl are you ready?
Oof! I’m squirming. I don’t care if it sounds corny, sign me up!
While all those women rushed the stage, I found myself wishing that their partners would take detailed notes: THIS is how they want to be seduced. Change the environment to switch modes (candlelight, wine, light the fire), get warmed up, and relax any pressure to get anywhere (“I ain’t got nowhere to go”).
They’re coming after my job writing sex coaching instructions to music. Good thing Boyz II Men are a retro act at this point…
I suppose I can relax. Desire is actually a bit more complicated than this. But, make no mistake, for many lovers this recipe would hit it just right.
Is It Time to Get Support from a Sex & Intimacy Coach?
Learning about spontaneous vs. responsive desire is a wonderful first step for yourself and your relationship. Have you thought about forwarding this blog post to your partner?
But just reading articles (and wishing your partner was psychic) can only get you so far. Differences in desire are often complex. I’m not going to lie, it isn’t always an easy fix, and it won’t fix itself when the kids go off to college or things calm down at work. Not even if you listen to ‘80s R&B on repeat while taking notes. Now is the time to start this journey back into one another’s arms.
Sometimes working closely with a professional is what you need to experience the positive, long-lasting changes you’re looking for – at a sustainable pace.
A sex & intimacy coach can help you process what you’ve learned about desire and actually implement it into your relationship. You’ll receive loving guidance, non-judgemental support, and practical solutions, all tailored to your unique needs.
Curious to work together? Send me an email at info@christinasophiecoaching.com to explore this possibility. It’s my pleasure to support your intimate education and erotic evolution.
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